THE Talk

**Warning: this post is not for the squeamish, or for the mother who is still in denial that her kids will ever have sex.**

You know the talk to which I'm referring, right? THE talk. My boys are ten-and-a-half and almost nine. So, I have had nearly a decade to mentally prepare myself for this. Looking back on my own adolescence, I wasn’t even interested in boys until at least thirteen and I didn't start my period until I was fifteen. I figured that I still had time. I mean, they both just wrote letters to Santa Claus!

And though their classmates are outpacing them as far as exposure to sex - via movies and television -, I fear that my boys' curiosity will soon surface and I would rather that they get the info from me and my husband. Besides, I've heard buzzings that this is the year - 5th grade - that they get some kind of sex ed in school. And once Riley knows something, Dylan knows it.

We've had cursory discussions about puberty. The boys started doing laundry this year and asked my husband "why does mommy bleed in her panties?" I actually scheduled my kid to go the doctor because he was concerned that one testicle was larger than the other. Turns out we cancelled the appointment, after three pairs of testicles were whipped out of boxer shorts in my living room and the guys to whom they were attached discussed what is normal. I wanted to scream, "Why am I here?Am I really necessary for this conversation?!?"

Not too long ago, Dylan said this and I happily chuckled to myself and sighed with relief: "I already know where babies come from. The daddies give the mommies the parts. And the mommies do all the work of making the baby." Yes! I don't think that my husband was wholly amused, but he seemed relieved, too, that we had staved off another brush with The Talk.

When we had our friends' girls with us for Spring Break, I hastily typed out an email saying that if their kids came home talking about eggs and sperm it was because we were watching a documentary about spawning salmon. Thankfully, none of the kids made the mental leap from salmon eggs and sperm to human eggs and sperm. That would have sent me over the edge that week.

I am not ready for The Talk. I’m just not. I think I'm okay with a discussion of the mechanics - maybe - and the anatomy. I just don't know how to discuss the intentions and the ramifications. I remember my mom saying that sex was something that happens between two married people - in a bed. True. But that seems needlessly old-fashioned and prudish. I mean, let's be honest, Jake and I weren't married when we started having sex and we don't always have sex in a bed.

Right now the boys equate sex with mating. Sex is to make babies. I'm okay with that. The fact that sex is recreational and enjoyable...well, I'm okay with that, too, on a personal level but - as a mother - not so much. I have, so far, cowered away from this topic and would prefer to sequester the boys in a closet somewhere until they graduate from college, but I know this is unrealistic.

One of my best friends' six-year-old asked her about sex last week. She fumbled and ended up asking him, "Have you ever watched the nature channel?" Then she came in to work and asked me if she could borrow  my nature channel documentaries on DVD. And in the face of her horror, we all laughed. All of us. Her husband. My husband. Even me. But I stopped laughing when I recognized that her kid is the little kid in our gang; my boys are older than he is. It might be time.

I am fully cognizant that not talking about it would be worse than talking about it. So, I'll squirm on the couch next to my husband while broaching the subject which is vastly preferable to sitting on the couch next to my husband, learning that one of our boys has an STD or is going to be a father, right?!?

Yes, it is our responsibility, as the parents, to teach them about safe sex. I don’t want them to have sex. I don’t even really want them to even know what sex is. But they will know and they will have sex. Ugh. There, I said it. My boys will have sex...likely within this next decade. I much prefer to have The Talk now when I am not ready, than later when I am still not ready and there are already ramifications.

My hope is that my boys will leave the conversation, set aside their mortification and embarrassment, and take some time to think it through. I also hope that they choose to wait a long, long, long, long time until engaging in sexual activity. But I will sleep better knowing that I have done all I can as a parent and if they do choose not to wait, at least they are educated and will know how to protect themselves.

That aside, maybe it's not too late to embrace my Catholic roots. Then I can morally guilt them into never having sex. Or scare them. Anyone have any horror stories? Or chastity belts?!?